Melancholy ~Part 1~

Will Kame ever wake up?

That question was on my mind yesterday, as I dug my little friend out of the mulch yet again. He is more active, surely, than he has been all winter. When I put him in his water pan, he will paddle around a bit, drinking deeply and soaking, before climbing out and seeking out his daily "salad" of spinach, boiled egg and berries... but he still will not come out to seek food and water on his own.

I am grateful each morning, when I check on Kame and he hisses in annoyance at me. I am grateful, every day, for the miracle of life, even in these days of melancholy.

What is it about early Spring that brings on this lethargy?
I know that a lack of sleep is contributing to the faint darkness that is trying to pervade my mind. Dreams... nightmares... leave me feeling, in the mornings, as if I haven't slept at all. I am implementing my coping strategies... taking time for myself, doing things I enjoy, exercising, meditating, praying, going to bed early, before I am over-tired... and yet the dreams come.

Perhaps it is because death has been on my mind recently. As new beginnings loom large... new possibilities, new vistas opening with new chances, new goals, and new challenges, I can't help looking back, at what's come before. Disappointments and failures litter the path behind me, obscuring the successes. How do I know I will not fail again? How do I know that this, this is the time that everything will fall into place, and my expectations will be met? How do I know I can do this? How do I know, when I'm faced with the choices that mean success or failure, I will choose success?

Loss is an old acquaintance of mine. It didn't take me long to understand that nothing in this life is permanent. Not things, not home, not family. There is not one single thing this life can give you that can't be ripped away again. Success? It can disappear overnight. Reputation? Destroyed in an instant. Relationships? Misunderstandings, choices, and death can shatter and steal them. Safety is an illusion. Life is loss. All that is left to us is a choice: What will we cling to, when everything else is gone?

~*~*~

TBC...

Changes

Kame is an intrepid soul. He seems to have decided the stairs are his Mt. Everest, and he's determined to defeat them... from above. My fear for my little friend's safety means I must deter him from making such a treacherous leap, but that doesn't mean he won't come back and try again and again. I fear if Kame ever does succeed in his attempts, he will suffer irreparable damage. A turtle's shell is a vital part of his skeletal structure. I must be diligent in keeping him in check, although I am sure he resents being returned to his safe abode.

In ten days I will begin my college career. To say that I am nervous would be perhaps the boldest understatement ever made.

Did I mention that I'll be working in a program that allows an individualized learning plan, a combination of traditional classroom, online courses and one-on-one tutoring in which I'm expected to design my own path to a degree? Oh, and by the way, next year Arek and I will be homeschooling. To top the mountain off with a beautiful snow-cap... Ken has accepted a job with Homeland Security as a State Fire Instructor, a job which adds 20 hours a month to his already hectic schedule.

Just to recap: College. Homeschooling. Second job.

It's quite a heavy load to lay on a marriage that has already cracked once. A lot of strain to put on the still-healing scars of the past. I haven't been sleeping well, thinking about the possibilities, and remembering. Remembering the long nights when Ken was volunteering more of his time to the Fire Department, the resentment as I fell into what felt like a single-mother role, the strain and the snapping at one another, the lack of communication, the ruts we fell into, undercutting one another, the anger that built up until it bubbled up through the fissures and very nearly broke us apart.

We broke under the pressure once, and... if I am honest with myself, I know it could happen again. I hope that we have learned something from our experience. I believe we have. We communicate better these days. I am far less quick to whip out my "Whatever.", a code-word for "Fine. Do what you want. I'll make do, but I won't like it." Ken is better at listening, and being honest about his own feelings as well.

I sometimes want to herd us away from the danger, to avoid challenges for fear we could fall. I want to protect what we're rebuilding. I want our marriage to work. It's easy and comfortable in our safe little place... and if we stayed here we'd stagnate.

Life moves forward, with or without our consent. We must go with it, or be swept away.

Rejoicing in the day,
-Mary

*~*~*

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

-The Hobbit, J.R. Tolkien

~*~*~

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,' he used to say. 'You step onto the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.'"

-Fellowship of the Ring, J.R. Tolkien

Forgiveness

Slowly, slowly, Kame is waking up. He still needs to be dug out and shown his food, placed in his pan of water, reminded to eat and to drink, but he is more alert, more active, for short periods of time. As the days grow longer and the mercury in the thermometer begins to edge higher, he is remembering that winter does not last forever, and spring is coming. He is coming out of hibernation and remembering what it's like to be alive. He is awakening.

Sometimes I have felt as if the path we've been on would never end. An arctic wasteland seemed to stretch out in front of me as we struggled to piece our marriage, and our family back together. We were wandering through Narnia, where winter is eternal and Christmas never comes.

Then, one day, a flower broke through the snow. There was a moment, looking into my husband's eyes, that I saw him soften, saw the ice melt just a bit, saw the faint sparkle of the old humor, the understanding and acceptance, the fun. The first crack had taken hold, and the ice couldn't keep together.

I think that life is nothing more, and nothing less, than a series of choices. Over a year ago, I stood at a crossroads, and felt that the choice I made would direct the rest of my life. Since then, I've stood at many crossroads, and made many choices, each of which has sent my life, our lives, in new directions. No one choice has been irrevocable. No one decision has changed my life so much that I can't go back and choose another direction.

In a few weeks' time, I will begin college classes. Twenty years ago, I left college and never looked back. Now I am standing once more on the threshold of education, wondering where the springboard of a degree will take me. How high will I be able to jump? Will I finally reach my goals? I have grown and changed, but I have carried my dreams along with me like a satchel. Some things are just too precious to leave behind.

A year ago last Thanksgiving, I thought my marriage was ending. I believed we were destined to break apart like glass shattered on the rocks of betrayal and disappointment. I believed a part of my life was over, that the lightning strike had destroyed us.

Over a year later, the first cautious buds are emerging. New growth is appearing where only charred, smoking ruin lay frozen in the ice. The early flowers are poking brave tendrils up through the snow, putting on an occasional burst of color and fragrance, unafraid of the frost and the chill still in the air. Spring is approaching. Life is new. Forgiveness is settling on our shoulders like a comfortable blanket, warming the chill away and reminding us how good it is to stand in the sun, basking and warm.

Spring is coming, I can feel it, and it is good.

Rejoicing in the day,
-Mary

"Forgiveness comes after a long time. After a long and gentle rain of tears. The earth is soaked and the smell of springtime is in the air. New life will come."
..."I have forgiven today, which could not help but come. I have forgiven yesterday, which could not help but pass. I will forgive tomorrow, too."

-Walk Softly, Rachel, by Kate Banks