Limbo

Limbo... It's not just a dance. According to "TheFreeDictionary.com", Limbo is:

1. Roman Catholic Church The abode of unbaptized but innocent or righteous souls, as those of infants or virtuous individuals who lived before the coming of Christ.
2. A region or condition of oblivion or neglect: Management kept her promotion in limbo for months.
3. A state or place of confinement.
4. An intermediate place or state.

We've had an unusually warm winter, with very little snow. Kame couldn't seem to make up his mind whether or not he would hibernate. He would disappear under his mulch for a few days at a time, then come out, looking for food and water. He's been in limbo... and so, it seems, have I.

A further explanation of Limbo describes it in the Catholic tradition as "the edge of hell", where unbaptized but righteous souls go to await the final judgement day. Will they be welcomed into the Kingdom of God, or cast forever into the darkness where there will be "wailing and gnashing of teeth"?

The edge of hell... That sounds familiar.

I've been walking a new path lately, one that's dim and difficult to see at times. It's narrow... rather like walking a tightrope. And I am juggling everything as I walk along, and must keep my eyes up, or risk dropping things and tumbling... with no promise of a net below.

College, home-school, freelance writing work... and my friends and family sometimes toss in other random items, like performers in a circus act. Before I know it, I'm juggling an afternoon out for coffee, kids' computers needing expensive repairs, the payment that's due for a class trip, like yesterday, the upcoming home school convention where I hope to find curriculum to better fit Arek's needs next year... and somewhere in there are editing jobs, as well as my own writing, which often seems to get lost in the mix.

I've been quiet these past three months because I am lost, stuck somewhere in Limbo. I keep moving forward... what choice do I have? But for the first time in a very long time... I don't know where I'm going. I don't have a plan. There is no light at the end of this tunnel. I feel as if I have two choices- Move forward with pursuing a divorce and destroy this family. Hurt my kids, hurt him, hurt me... all in the pursuit of a freedom that may or may not be worth it.
Or... Forgive all. Move on, as if none of it ever happened. As if the D-word never resonated like a quiet earthquake through our bedroom, opening a chasm between us that I don't know how to bridge or cross. Pretend it's not there... and risk falling in.

I don't know which way to go. The crossroads is before me, and I don't know which path to take. I'm lost, confused, hurting. I'm angry, so angry some days it feels as if I'll boil over. And I do... with tears. I know that closing my eyes to the chasm would prove disastrous, but I don't want to admit defeat, either.

The truth is, I don't want a divorce. I want my family. I want my husband. I want the man I married to be the man I need him to be. I want him to be faithful to me. To adore me. To think I'm the best thing that ever happened to him... to feel the way I felt about him before I knew about her... the way I think I could feel again, if I could believe he sincerely regretted the damage that's been inflicted.

I don't know if he can be that man. And if he can't... there really is only one choice. I just don't want to be the one to make it... and so I continue on for a little longer, here in Limbo.

~*~*~*~

"People change and forget to tell each other."
~Lillian Hellman

"Then He arose and rebuked the wind, And said to the sea, "Peace, be still!"
And the wind ceased and there was a great calm."
~Mark 4:39