Life is Messy

Sometimes, life is just messy. Like when Kame enjoys a fat, juicy blackberry. Especially when I've had a particularly difficult day (week... month...), and I comfort myself by cuddling with him. Especially when I don't much care what he does as long as he's happy... and eating a large, juicy blackberry is just about the happiest thing a turtle can do.

There's something good about the simple way Kame relishes his food, especially food that pops with juice as he bites into it. He seems to take delight in the squishy fruit, grabbing mouthfuls and biting down so that before long his entire beak is covered in sweet black juice. There is something innocent, something pure, in that kind of enjoyment.

Sometimes life gets messy too.
I quite often have higher expectations of people than they are able to live up to. People make mistakes. People fail. People let me down.
I have higher expectations of myself than I am able to live up to. I make mistakes. I fail. I let people I care about down.

The very nature of Man is flawed... we came from dust, and to dust we shall return. At the same time, we carry with in us the very breath of God... we are only jars of clay, but inside is a treasure so precious it cannot be bought at any price but had to be purchased with the blood of absolute innocence, the sacrifice of a Lamb. This is the greatest irony of life; the mixture of good and evil within Man, and the reason a certain song resonates with my soul: "The only thing that's good in me is Jesus."

This week my son, my precious, beautiful, clever and often wise-beyond-his-years son, had his usual array of moods, swinging from absolute joy and lighthearted fun to raging tempers to unshakable calm, sometimes within the space of an hour. The mood swings and companion behaviors have created a roller coaster... and all I could do was hold on and pray the safety bars held.
I expect that if my son cares about his family, he will control his behavior. When he does not control his behavior, I am exasperated, hurt, bewildered, angry, frustrated and grieved... all because I expect more from a ten year old boy than some adults are able to accomplish in a lifetime- self control.

In the midst of the turmoil with Arek, I got involved in an online game with acquaintances. It seemed like a fun way to exercise creativity, explore characterization and get to know people better who have interests similar to mine. It turned out to be a mistake. I expected people to feel the same way about my favorite fictional characters that I feel. I expected them to understand and know the individual characters intimately. I expected them to understand me, in a very short period of time, and to behave the way I thought they should. When my expectations weren't met, I was wounded, confused, and upset.

This week my expectations were the cause of unnecessary pain, for myself and my family and my friends. Some expectations are good and fair and reasonable... others, are not. Learning to discern between them is, perhaps, what our time on this earth is for.

Rejoicing in the day,
-Mary

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"One of the most subtle burdens God ever puts on us as saints is this burden of discernment concerning other souls. He reveals things in order that we may take the burden of these souls before Him and form the mind of Christ about them. It is not that we bring God into touch with our minds, but that we rouse ourselves until God is able to convey His mind to us about the one for whom we intercede."

-Oswald Chambers

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In other words... We do not pray for others' benefit. We pray so that we might learn what God wants us to learn regarding others, and how we might go about showing them compassion.
I have so much to learn.
-Mary

Hero

First, I must say, this is not a picture of Kame. (In case you were wondering) It was a drawing commissioned by a dear friend, and drawn by a cartoonist I know through a website called Deviant Art. You can find more of her fantastic artwork here.

The picture is titled "Blushing", and it's an illustration from my own fan-fiction story titled "Anger Management". It illustrates a joke between friends "You know, you're cute when you're blushing.", and represents the idea of an Author meeting her hero.

Hamato Leonardo (In Japanese families, the surname comes first), the mutant Turtle from the illustration, is the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a familiar title to those who grew up in the '80's and early 2000's. Far from the goofy pizza-munching comic relief of the original series, later episodes and the fourth TMNT movie portrayed Leo as a driven, skilled and strong leader, with a singular focus: Protect and lead his family.

Leo has been a hero of mine for a long time. I told my husband once that he has "nothing to worry about" because his only real competition for my affection is a fictional mutant. Although I was joking at the time, the truth is, Leo does represent much of what I love in Ken, and is deeply intertwined with my commitment to my marriage. My fictional hero serves as a fantasy to retreat to when life is difficult, but he's more than that. He's also a strong reminder of what's most important to me, and the reasons I fight against all odds to protect what I hold dear.

Confidence and optimism mark the Turtles' lives. No matter what happens, they believe in themselves and each other. They take responsibility for themselves and for one another. They are brothers. Singly, they wouldn't last a week in a hostile and often dangerous world. Together, they can face any threat.

My dream for my family is not so different from the Turtles' lives. We may never face alien invasions or psychotic government agents, but we do battle against doubt, against the every-day assaults of the deficiencies, real and perceived, in ourselves and in our lives. We worry about bills (I don't know a couple who doesn't), about our kids, about the future. We fight against despair, against the encroaching fear that our children will not live up to their potential, that we will fail them in some fundamental way. We worry that we will go hungry and homeless in our old age. We worry that we might not live up to our own fullest potential.

For me, that means I worry that I may never publish a book. I may never achieve that pinnacle of success, that goal I've set for myself. Born to climb, I may never reach the top of the mountain. For Ken, it means he may never find paid employment in the fire service. Discouragement looms large when you've poured so much in, and received so little in return.

The truth is, there are no guarantees in this life. Children grow up to disappoint their parents. Parents pass away without ever making it clear to their children how very much they were loved. Effort goes unappreciated. Dreams go unfulfilled, goals unmet, people feel unloved. Sometimes marriages and even whole families fall apart under the stress of every-day disappointments.

In cartoons and movies, when things look bleak, it's the hero's time to shine. Leonardo and his brothers have faced defeat more times than I care to count, and yet they return, time and time again, to face new enemies, new threats, new catastrophes. What makes a hero keep getting up and going on, time and time again? Where does he find the determination to never give up, the courage in the face of adversity?

I have come to believe that it is not the ability to hold up under pressure that makes a hero. It's not courage or a strong character that makes one heroic, though those things certainly help.

Every single day, we get up and go about our routine. Every single day we are faced with choices, decisions that must be made. I believe that it is in these choices, each singular decision, that heroes are born. While the spotlight often shines on the heroes who defeat the bad guys with some brilliant inspiration of strategy in battle, the strength to make those decisions comes from long exercise of daily choices.

My husband has been facing a difficult time recently. Losing over 100 pounds is not an easy task, and yet he had to, to protect his health. The specter of re-gaining the weight looms large. He has faced down discouragement and defeat... and yet he is in the process of climbing to his feet, to face the giants once more.

He's made mistakes. He's been knocked down, he's stumbled, and there have been times when he feels there's no more strength to get up again. Still, no matter how many times he's defeated, he refuses to give up.

He is, and has always been, my personal hero.

~*~*~