Some days Kame seems determined to stay buried in the relative security of his mulch. He seems to think that if he can't be seen, he is unassailable, untouchable, safe.Safety, I have come to believe, is a relative thing. The truth is, Kame is not difficult to find in the confines of his enclosure, no matter how deeply he burrows into the substrate. He doesn't recognize that his safety is guaranteed by the very presence he would hide from.
Isn't that typical of our attitude as human beings, riding on this green rock spinning through space? We believe that if we are in control of our own fate, our own destiny, we are somehow "safe"... secure. We believe we can be in control, when the truth is, the only safety to be found is in the Hands of the One who controls everything. In this life, there is no safe place, no guarantee, no promise. There are only the challenges of life, and the choice: will we choose to overcome, or to lie down and be defeated?
At nearly seventeen, crushed under the weight of pressure I could no longer bear, I attempted to end my own life. Thanks to a friend's intervention, the attempt was unsuccessful, though I will always bear the mark of my momentary defeat.
I will never, as long as I live, forget the expression on my father's face when he responded to the call to come at once... he walked through the door, and hugged me and asked...
"Why?"
I couldn't answer... but I knew, in that moment, that the path I had tried to tread was closed to me. No matter how difficult life becomes, I will never again risk causing pain that deep to anyone. What I think of myself and my circumstances is irrelevant in the face of the concern others have for my continuing existence. If to deprive them of my presence on this earth is to inflict the hurt I saw in my father's eyes, I can't help but fight, with all I have, against it.
Dylan Thomas wrote the famous words "Do not go gentle into that good night...".
He goes on to beg his father to fight against encroaching death, imploring him to curse, to fight, to bless [Dylan] with his fierce tears.
These days, when life is difficult, when I'm thwarted at every turn, when life seems like one frustration after another, I remember. I remember my friend and her desperation. I remember my father's face and his pain. I remember where I have been, how far I've come, and how much I owe to those who've been with me this long and those who've since journeyed on to other shores.
Life is about moving forward, climbing onward and upward, ever closer to Aslan's country. There are no shortcuts. I will never go gentle into that good night. Life with a second chance is too precious, and I intend to embrace every last moment. I give my solemn word to rage against the good night, with all I have in me. Darkness comes, to be sure, but always, always, there is the hope of dawn, and so I continue...
Rejoicing in the day,
-Mary
*~*~*
Do not go gentle into that good night
Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
~~~
Dear friends... today's entry was difficult to write, and even more difficult to post, because of the sensitive nature of the topic.
Please do not take this as a sign I'm considering doing anything foolish. You have my word of honor that if those feelings and thoughts ever assault me again, I will seek out appropriate help. I'm not a teenager any more, and I have had many years and some very good counseling to help me develop coping skills. Life is often difficult, for everyone, but I've had a lot of practice being me.
Furthermore, if anyone reading this blog ever has the idea that there is a peaceful end to whatever difficulties they are facing, please understand that such a route can only cause unimaginable pain. You are loved. You are cherished. You are a child of God. Don't listen to the whisper enticing you, it is a lie. Believe me. I've looked it in the face and seen it for what it is. You are not alone. Someone is waiting to speak with you. Don't put it off, and don't be embarrassed. Make the call. You'll be glad you did.
1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Hotline)
